unhinged

revision

remind me how it goes, the litany:
one-sided being’s greedy
drenched in birth of need,
clinging to sweet balance, hung
on echoes of a mother’s day.

i got it, then i saw the news:
another spillage day.

my car’s off the road, needs
more oil to stem the bleed.
i feed the birds
share pleasantries,
pretend all’s right.

airbrushed eyelids quiver,
spin the rem again.

original

remind me how it goes, the litany:
one-sided being is a greed
drenched in simple birth of need
clinging to sweet balance hung
on echoes of a mother’s day.

i got it, ‘til i saw the news:
another oil-spill of a day.

my car is off the road, i need more
cash to stem the bleed
feed bright birds
share pleasantries
pretend that everything’s alright.

airbrushed on my eyelid quiver
shades of madness spin the rem again.

4 thoughts on “unhinged

  1. Paul Squires says:

    It always makes me happy to see you have posted something Shell. You never disappoint. It’s fascinating to see these two together. The revision is neater, more elegant, it makes the tiny quiver at the end more eloquent, contains more energy in a smaller space somehow.

    • Shell says:

      the revision’s neater, yes,

      i’m not sure it’s where i’d like it to be though … aarrgghh …. but then it’s been ages since i wrote (like confession? not that i’m catholic either lol) …

      thank you for your unending support!!

  2. punatik says:

    Shell , this is a perfect example of how even the most subtle changes can greatly affect tone. I think both versions can stand on their own. I like them both. I am partial to the original , but I have a special place in my heart for the word “Madness.”
    I also like the the revision. It came across as being a toned down version. Which is fine. Some folks prefer cream and sugar, as opposed to straight shots of espresso.

    Both convey the subject being torn between feeding the birds and having to commute. Either way, during sleep I get the feeling there will be agonizing dreams.

    Again, the imagery you create with words, the surreal tone, the “feel”..is without equal. A brilliant post.

    • Shell says:

      thank you for such a wonderful response, Emilio … J offered some suggestions that helped me smooth it out but yeah, raw is good too … *grin …

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