swallow (2)

lips moistened with fine rain kiss
nothing, but the fearless wild
spins and whirls two hundred birds
one rush of thought
in giant, wheeling freeflow;

i’m inside the storm, a swallow
of unfinished rhythm
spitting feathers at an empty page

re-vision 3 – thank you mojave!

i’m inside the storm
a swallow

spitting feathers at an empty page
ready to tear down the sky
chase clouds;

lips moistened with fine rain.
nothing, but the fearless wild
spins and whirls two hundred birds
one rush of thought
in giant, wheeling freeflow;

i want to kiss you. now.



image: francesca dimond

10 thoughts on “swallow (2)

  1. noxalio says:

    ok, i’m all the way back here, just to say i hope all’s well … M slightly worried, that’s all (only slightly, for now – still, it’s in my nature to ring alarms before smoke or fire) … xo

    • Shell says:

      oh my, you found this! one of those “stormy night inside an angry morning” moments … my preoccupation with the simultaneous presence of Light/Dark is pretty evident here, eh? lovely-weird that you and i have such extreme creative pivot points …

      i workshopped this, chopped loads out, even before what i put here; never felt i got it right but needed to outclimb its mood …

      and i realise only now that there are comments unreplied to, which is not like me, aarrgghh!

      don’t be overly worried, dear friend … though i do need to email you (i’m rubbish at emailing .. er … you noticed? lol) … could do with some advice in the biting off more than one can chew dept …

      i’m so honoured that you turned my pages, M, especially as they can be a little disturbing! thank you!

      S
      xox

      • noxalio says:

        write when you can, Shell … (well, soon, ok?) … and i hope i can be of some service (in the lease, a friendly ‘ear’? … if it wasn’t for the tyranny of distance i’d offer a bottle of the finest California wine and a comfy place to sit and sip and talk … but, email is what we’re left with) … hang-in there (as we say over here) ..

  2. bohemienne says:

    Right now? Wonderful.

  3. Shell says:

    opoetoo –
    thank you so much for your comments .. yes, i may have traded off too much altogether, imo, and unfinished rhythm’s actually the key lol … still, i needed an inner logic to this and mojave helped find that … but i miss a lot from the original and of course the last version only deals with half of what i was trying for *sigh … so maybe this is simply a spin off poem, eh?

    punatik –
    thank you! you’re very kind .. of the two shorter versions i prefer 3 but …

    i think this is yet another that will be abandoned … others have said that kiss line should never be spoken, only implied .. (it was in and out the original version repeatedly) other others have said that there’s so much implied in the original it was too obscure … obtuse … *bleh … but i miss the whirlwind of it

    i’m kind of dizzy with trying to rewrite this more in keeping with what i wanted and remain dissatisfied, hemmed in by my flaws .. which is where the original started eerrgghh!

    ohh my, i could hug both of you right now for suffering this with me *grin

  4. opoetoo says:

    2 and 3 sorry

  5. opoetoo says:

    i miss the “unfinished rhythm ”
    but it was a great trade for “tear down the sky and chase clouds”
    great trade

    you turned it upside down .
    i like how 1 and 2 are together.

    thanks

  6. punatik says:

    Re-vision 3 for me, has this momentum that just keeps building with each line. Finishing it with ” I want to kiss you. Now.” is absolutely perfect.

  7. opoetoo says:

    wow! great images

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