reverie

Moon’s eye gazes, surface-still,
reflections’ sheen on slow-cold;
water guards your deep so well.

Silence bears deer tension,
wild cat scent is just another
hunt without a start-line.

A stone falls in the lake and
caution circles, intuition’s
pale light glances filmy glaze.

No one dares to stay, see you
stare-down fear, illusion’s pose,
see you move all ways at once.

This so needs an edit!! Ario?*grin

5 thoughts on “reverie

  1. johemmant says:

    Hey, hello, very glad you stopped by my place today, I like your style, different, good. I’m off to read some more 🙂

    *

    Jo – Thanks for your visit too! I’m delighted that you liked what you read! … S

  2. Shell says:

    Thank you soooo much for your thoughts on this, Ario! I think i get a bit harsh on myself at times, eh?

    I did tweak it a little after initial posting and came to like it again. However, i’ll certainly play around with it using your ideas … this would plonk it in the descriptive sector as you say.

    It’s actually a love poem to One (or Muse) who lives free, like ripples/Truth/revelation. This One isn’t governed by fear, unlike observers on the shore who can’t bear to look – they’re terrified of such beings, unlike moi, of course *heh …

    All of which is just explaining pronoun presence …

    I so hope to write something else before the fortnight’s up but i never know what will hit me or when … LOL

    Have a briliant, shining week, dear friend Ario!

  3. reluctantscribe says:

    The next morning.

    Nope, I still think this is a strong poem and I am glad that Janet thinks the same.

    If you really wanted to play around with it, though, you could reconsider some of the abstract nouns, especially ‘fear’ and ‘illusion’ in the last stanza. Could they be replaced with something more specific? Tangible language and imagery is apparently all the rage nowadays in contemporary poetry (I read that somewhere).

    So I may be tempted to simply substitute ‘fear’ with ‘frost’ or ‘hoar’ and ‘illusion’ perhaps with something to do with ‘flicker’ (Hmmm… ‘flickering flight’? You’d loose the sound of ‘pose’ then though -> Any other movements or creatures you can think of in this context that suggest an illusion? Other than magic mushrooms perhaps…).

    Actually, rereading it again, I’m wondering if ‘you’ could be replaced with something else. The whole poem is descriptive and it doesn’t seem to need a pronoun or the presence of a person. Perhaps instead of you, you could alter the meaning a little and go for ‘no one dares to stay, no one / stares down etc ‘ and ‘no one moves all ways at once’.

    Anyway, every poem can be altered and played around with endlessly, I still think this poem works well the way it is. I hope these few ideas do not detract from that.

    Have a good week! See you in a fortnight again…? 😉

  4. janetleigh says:

    I like this as it stands, Shell. And I especially like this stanza:

    “A stone falls in the lake and
    caution circles, intuition’s
    pale light glances filmy glaze.”

    ..there’s so much meaning in there and the the image of concentric waves rippling/spreading out from the fallen rock is excellent. I also like how this poem sounds read out-loud. Very good one, my friend..:)

  5. reluctantscribe says:

    Does it? 🙂

    I’ll read it more closely again, but it scans well on first reading. I especially like the wordplay and the half-rhyme in this one. It’s musical and meaning and imagery is carried effectively through the sounds you’ve created. But I’ll return to this again (when it isn’t my bedtime :)). Can you tell me what you think is wrong with it?

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